joke thread

[Jethro]

A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet." Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf**kers it was that pushed me in the pool."

[Santa]

hahaha

[Hooligan]

A Texas Midget's testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The Midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked theMidget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The Midget was so scared he was afraid to look down, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the Midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The Midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The Midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! ? What did you do?"



The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots.

[Hooligan]

An 80-year-old man from Los Angeles went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. In fact, I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that", he beamed with pride?

The doctor considered his question for a moment and then replied, "I have an older friend in his 80 s, much like you who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.
He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that", implored the doctor?

The 80-year-old man scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment and then replied, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Hooligan]

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,"No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak & heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.